"Is love a fancy, a feeling or a ...."

....Mike.

I am in love.

Going back up North has been pretty good for me I must say.

Apart from having several fights with rougth people and breaking my knuckle on Saturday in one *ouch* my life at the moment I have to say is pretty sweet.

I have been in a whirlwind romance for about three months and I am getting married...scarilly!

...and working at the Beeb and have an amazing group of friends.

But I have been neglecting my blog and can't believe I haven't posted for well over a year...

...expect regular observations on what really "grinds my gears" with a Northern slant. Oh yes, there will be none of your braised lamb with jus gastro-pub talk here. Get ready for the equivalent of a bag of chips with plenty of salt and vinegar...and a spam fritter if you're lucky.

I am getting so sick of Prime Minister's Questions and ploitics in general. Aside from the amusing "boo-yah-ing" and the mandatory sight of Boris lounging or picking his nose, it is both incredibly boring and slightly soul destroying.
No matter what questions the opposition throw at the PM, you can guarantee that they will be answered by one of slimey Tony's stock answers. Either the broken record of "Well it's better now than it was when we took over" or the convenient "I can't comment because there is an inquiry."
I know that by the mid-90s the Tories had fucked-up a few things, but surely after 10 years in power the Labour party should have learnt how to take the needle off the broken record and put a new one on the gramaphone...
...and another thing - the amount of planted questions at every PMQs is just getting beyond a joke. It is a complete waste of the public's time and not how the only time that MPs have the opportunity to call the PM to account should be spent.
Keeping on politics, did anybody see "The trial of Tony Blair" on the tele-box the other night?
It was all very funny and thought provoking, but I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for TB by the end of it. As a staunch member of the Conservative Party this isn't good!
The real victim of the satire was David Cameron I felt, who came across like a complete wanker.
I only wish that like the other TB, there was an injection that could just make the Prime Minister obselete in this country...a sentiment I am sure the rest of his party would echo with knobs on.

Here's Htdj......

....She's back!!!!!

Hello. It has been a long time but maybe when you readers have read this post you will understand why.

Has anyone ever seen the Elizabeth Taylor classic "Cleopatra". There is a line in it when Marc Anthony dies that just sums up what has happened to me.
The Messenger says: "Antony is dead."
Octavius replies: [Quietly, stunned] "Is that how one says it? As simply as that? Antony is dead. Lord Antony is dead! The soup is hot, the soup is cold, Antony is living, Antony is dead."

Sometimes when something bad happens in life, we don't react in the way that we thought we would and sometimes the magnitude of what happens is so enormous that we cannot believe that mere words can create that amount of carnage.

In July, I found out that the person I thought was my Dad for the last 24 years isn't and that basically my whole life had been a lie.

Two weeks later I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, so dear reader life has been a bitch, hence me not blogging.

But normal service will be resumed this week with a makeover for the site and many posts when I find something remotely interesting to say.

I expect to get a reaction akin to hanging a poster of Martin Bashir on Jacko's bedroom wall to this post, as people never know what to say in shitty situations such as this, but I thought I may as well tell the truth about why I haven't blogged.

For now all that remains to be said is keep away from Itsu and don't speak to any over-friendly Russians.

I am in Iraq

...well, that is not strictly true...but Bridge Street in Warrington can look pretty bad on a Saturday night believe me, so it isn't too much of an exaggeration.

But on a serious note, I have had a bit of a shocker in the last couple of weeks and will be amusing you all with how crap my life is in a week or so.

So until then, read Infinite Muppet's blog. It is very good.

Books...

...got tagged, so here it is:

1. Book(s) that changed your life: I would have to say "Scoop" by Evelyn Waugh. 'Cos it is very funny but touching and is based in a world that I can relate to, as I have been part of it.

2. Book(s) you have read more tham once: Loads. "Trainspotting", Dicken's works...too many to mention.

3. Book I would take on a desert island: "Treasure Island"...there are some usefull tips in it.

4. Book which made you laugh: "Dress your Family in cordorouy and denim" by David Sedaris.

5. Book which made you cry: That chapter in "Little Women" when Beth dies, has me every time.

6. Book(s) you wish you had written: “Chav! A Users Guide to Britain's new Ruling Class”

7. Book(s) which you wish had never been written: The Atkin's diet ones or Doctor Gillian McKeith's self help shit. Dr Atkins died of a heart attack...cos he clogged his arteries with his crazy diet and Gillian McKeith may be slim but her face looks like one of the shits that she has so much fun poking about it.

8. Book which you are currently reading: "Get Happy" book about Judy Garland. See sidebar...

9. Book you are meaning to read: Deborah Curtis' book about the late great Ian Curtis.

"...a fantastic, universal sense that whatever we were doing was right: that we were winning..." Hunter S. Thompson

I have just returned from the Leeds festival feeling euphoric but just drained after a weekend of pure rock and roll excess. This year was my first year back at Leeds after a couple of years at Reading and it was good to be home.

So many things happened during the weekend that I am going to give an A-Z rundown of the shenanigans...Plus for those of you who have never been to a festival this will give you an idea of what kinda stuff goes on there...

ARCTIC MONKEYS: Unlike the rest of the population, or so it seems, I was not a Monkeys fan. When I heard their first single I thought they were just another libertines rip-off band. I bought the album 'cos of peer pressure and thought there were about 6 good songs on it, but after seeing them live I have totally changed my mind. God those kids are musically tight. Every note, beat and chord was perfect and the crowd just went wild. I think people sometimes just forget how young the band are as well. This was really obvious when Alex Turner was trying to interact with the crowd and you could see that he hadn't really perfected his front-man stage presence. The sweetest rock and roll moment since Frances Bean Cobain was born happened when the camera man panned to the wings to record Alex Turner's Dad filming his son on a hand-held camcorder. Most parents are bursting with pride when their kids play a Sunday League footie match, so imagine how Mr and Mrs Turner et al must be feeling as they watch 120,000 muso's going wild and singing along to your offspring lyrics. Unbelievable.
BOLLOCKS: Every year there is a chant that reverberrates around the camp site until about six in the morning. One person shouts something out and then the game is to shout it out louder and louder, so that practically the whole campsite ends up doing it. A couple of years ago it was "Timmy!!" and last year it was a Futurehead's style "Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh". This year the old stalwart "Bollocks" was aired again.
CHAVS: The thing about Leeds festival as opposed to Reading is that there are so many more chavs. The place is full of them. It is like a gypo's day out or that the resident's of North Wales towns like Rhyl or Prestatyn have been let out on day release for a Yorkshire jolly. They travel in packs round the site, mostly hanging around in the dance tent but occasionally making a forray onto the main field when a popular band like the Kasiers or the Streets play on the main stage. This year it was mostly sunny, so they all did that thing where they take their head out of their Ben Sherman stripey t-shirts and put the whole front of the shirt behind their necks, so that their skinny, mal-nutritioned, diet of chip butties pigeon chests are on show. At one point I found myself in the middle of a big gaggle of them as I got disorientated by the amount of fake Burberry check.
DRESDON DOLLS: One of my favourite bands... I just love their mad vaudeville brand of piano punk. They also bag the award for best cover of the weekend as well. The singer said: "While we are visiting England we want to embrace the culture by singing a traditional folk song." Then they started singing "Everyday I love you less and less" Dresdon Dolls does Kaiser Chiefs, surreal but in the words of Bill and Ted "most excellent".
EMOS: I am not sure what these are, but my friends kept telling me that there were millions of them there. They seem to look like goths and think that smiling or laughing is a crime akin to rape. So it was with interest that I watched so-called Emo bands "Fall Out Boy", "Panic at the Disco" and "My Chemical Romance". I actually really liked them...perhaps I am an emo...But how can a band named after a minor charachter from The Simpsons be wrong?!
FIRES: Why do complete wankers think that it is good sport to make fires in the arena area. Last year someone lost an eye from somebody hitting them with a lighted aroesol can. Now they are having only half as much fun.
GUEST PASSES: Because I am a journo type I am lucky enough to recieve free guest passes for all the festivals every year. This means that I get to rub shoulders with the z-listers and band members and not have to wait for beer with the great un-washed. But the best thing about going v.i.p is the posh loos. You get to shit in a carpeted bog, with a proper ceramic rim and a wooden toilet seat. There are mirrors and sinks and soap and wait for it toilet roll!!!! It is worth it just for that.
HEADCASES: There are always so many nutters around, but there were even more this year due to the presence of "Slayer". One guy was walking around wearing only a pair of pink Kaiser Chief thongs with the word "Chiefette" wriiten on the arse. He was either VERY cold, or God played a cruel joke on him.
I'M OFF THE TELLY: Backstage was like a scene straight out of Chinawhites as a gaggle of slappers tried to get their mitts on any soap star in attendance. Emmerdale's own Cain Dingle was there with what looked like half of Essex swarming around him like flies around shit.
JACK BLACK: This may be unpopular, but *whisper it* I HATE Jack Black and the fat fucker's crappy, unfunny joke band Tenacious D. I hate the fact that indie music lovers feel that they have to like this turd and laugh and sing along to all their songs when the organisers play their videos on the big screen for the 500th time that weekend. This are the same twats who wear t-shirts saying "Vote Pedro" and have the song off Anchorman as their mobile phone ringtones. Yes, we have all seen it and we all thought it was funny. Get over it. Soon.
KIDS: Blog regulars will know that I am not the biggest fan of kids and parents who take kids to festivals are just spoiling everybodys fun. Glastonbury I can understand, but Leeds is a dirty rock festival where people go to listen to heavy music and go wild. So dont have a go at people jumping up and down when a band comes on because they may accidentally stand on little Susie's foot. That is what happens at festivals. Take them bowling instead.
LOOSE BOWELLS: The sight of a fairly attractive bird pulling down her kecks and just shitting in the arena will stay with me forever. The dirty bitch didnt even wipe. Also when Belle and Sebastien were on, we were stood right near the front when a big empty circle appeared next to us, with just a cup of piss in the middle of it. I didnt see what happened to it, but I just hoipe that the yellowy liquid which landed on my head later on was beer...
MIDNIGHT: Is usually the time when morons start to cause riots and push the chemical toilets over and set fire to them. This year the festival organisers have put loads of activities on after midnight so that their tiny brains can be distracted from causing trouble.
NEON: Everbody got raved up, glowsticks, whistles and smiley faces t-shirts for the amazing Klaxons show. It was mental and everyone went wild. I got kicked in the face and almost got my lip ring pulled out about 50 times. I have sustained less injuries at Marilyn Manson and Slipknot gigs. All together now: "Naughty, naughty...very naughty".
OVER-PRICED FOOD: You can get some amazing bargains at festivals, like cheap vintage clothing and CDs, but the food is a proper rip-off. I payed £3.50 for a tray of chips and cheese. It is a joke. Next year I shall be bringing my own pot-noodles.
PEACHES GELDOF LOOKALIKES: Festival go-ers seem to be getting younger and younger every year, but I have never seen so many Peaches Geldof lookalikes in my life. They all look like they had done a Supermarket Sweep style trolley dash in Oxfam and wore everything they had found at the same time in a bid to look as quirky as possible. Everywhere I went I could hear their annoying private school educated voices, where they "like pause at the wrong place...in sentences and their voices go up at the end of a word." Why can't they just "Summer" the South of France like all the other toffs, instead of slumming it with the common people? Don't they realise that Jarvis Cocker was being ironic?
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE: Weren't there but Josh Homme's other band, which he plays the drums in, "Eagles of Death Metal" were. They are not death metal at all, or eagles and are definately worth a look.
READING: Leeds festival's older sister. I know that Reading has been around for a lot longer and it is closer to London, but it really boils my piss when the TV highlights show doesn't bother to show any clips of Leeds at all. Most of the headlining bands were actually Northern for God's sake.
SEXY INDIE BLOKES: Festivals are always such great eye-candy for me. It is like being stuck in a Vivienne Westwood boutique stocked full of clothes for chubby people, with an unlimited credit Mastercard. Unfortunately it seems like Chantelle and Preston syndrome that I wrote about here has grown to epic proportions. Due to those 2 dick weeds and new famous wannabes Pete and Nicki, every orange-faced Selfridge's perfume counter worker covets the new must have accessory: An indie boyfriend. So now I am having to fight tooth and nail for a small peice of the action. Of course all the Johnny Borrell types are no longer interested in a Clerks watching, Converse wearing, rockabilly chick like me. TV'S own Alan Carr made an excellent joke about Selfridges' girls in his stand-up show at the comedy tent. He said: "All these Selfridges girls who say that their tans are natural...yeah right love. Not unless your Dad fucked a Wotsit."
TOWERS OF PEOPLE: This years new craze was people standing on top of one another and making huge cheerleading style towers. It was very amusing and much better than the piss-poor videos the organisers were showing between bands.
UMBRELLAS: The weekend ALMOST went without any rain until The Streets came on on Sunday afternoon and the heavens opened. I got piss soaking wet through and you could literally wring out my clothes.
VEGGIES: Why are these events full of tofu eating, Liberal Democrat voting, dreadlocked hippies? I noticed no fewer than 6 vegetarian food vans this year. Piss off and take your shittake mushrooms with you.
WET CAT: Once it gets to Sunday, people really start to stink like wet cat. During Muse the air was thick with grease, farts, mud and BO. Mingled together it smells remarkably like wet cat, so is not very nice.
XXX: I sat down on Saturday and stood up with a used condom stuck to my jeans. Next year I am investing in a fold-up chair.
YORKSHIRE: This year it was all about the t'other side of the Pennines, as the line-up was full of Yorkshire bands. The Kaiser Chiefs victorious home-coming, Sheffields' Arctic Monkeys and the Long Blondes. All together now: "Yorkshire, Yorkshire, Yorkshire".
ZANY T-SHIRTS: There were many of excellent t-shirts on display throughout the weekend. My personl fav. was a T worn by a 6'7" guy saying on the back: "Sorry if you can't see".

So there you have it my from Abba to Zappa description of my weekend...roll on next year!

Five Things...

I got tagged by A.C.T So here is my response...

Five Things in my Freezer:

1. Ice
2. 2 chicken breast
3. Ben and Jerry's
4. frozen veg
5. Aunt Bessie's yorkshire puds

Five Things in my Closet

1. A vintage fur cape (yes, it's real but also adorable)
2. 26 pairs of boots (My other one hundred pairs of shoes are in crates as they dont fit!)
3. 4 ball dresses that I look at wistfully cos I will prob never get to wear most of them again :(
4. Rugby and footy shirts (Warrington, Newcastle and England respectively)
5. About 70 belts and 20 skinny ties.

Five Things in my Car

Not yet bought one...but when I do I wont be fillinf with loads of shit like cuddly toys and nodding dogs, thank you.

Five Things in my Purse

1. Passport
2. Press Pass
3. PCC Code of conduct
4. Tory Party membership card
5. A condom

And the Lucky Five .........

1. Butterfly Jones at Caterpillar to Butterfly
2. LD Bug at LDBug
3. Goofy Ass Chick at Goofy Ass Chick
4. The Wanted Man at Are you Up to the Test?
5. Christian Oshi at Oshi Blog

"But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity...

...Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me...HOMEWARD BOUND.

Yes, I am moving home.

Well, to Manchester at least 'cos I am not sure I could cope with Warrington.

See...the thing is that I really love London, but a shortage of money makes London the shittest place to be in the whole world. I haven't been able to get a steady job in journalism and all the agencies will not give me a "normal" job because I have shit all experience apart fom following z-list celebrities around the capital and making ridicolous stories sound slightly credible.

So I am moving to Manchester, to do er..the same.

I have always had a real love for Manchester and ever since I saw how amazing the whole City looked on the "Passion of the Christ" I have been thinking about moving back a lot.

It is just something about the place that I cannot describe...poetry and music and a certain edgy attitude seem to exude from the walls. God that sounds pretentious, but it is true.

Plus all the media companies are moving many of thier staff to Manchester - such as the Beeb and many of the nationals.

I keep feeling like I need to convince myself or almost make excuses for moving back up North. I suppose I have rather snobbily, always equated being succesfull with getting my ass down South, as far away from my roots as possible. So moving back up here is almost like failure. Like I am a failure who couldn't cut it in London.

I am really gonna miss my best friends and just the feeling of euphoria that I had from being in the thick of things in the big smoke. But it is only a 2 hour train journey away and I will be down all the time.

But when "Ev'ry day's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me,
the movies and the factories,
And ev'ry stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be,
Homeward bound."


VIVA LA FOOKIN' MANCHESTER!!!!!!